The Freedom within Limits
The phrase “follow the child” is frequently heard in Montessori. This means that we monitor each child’s growth, interests, needs, and abilities. In many ways, we follow the child, but we are ultimately their guide, not the other way around. Rather than giving young children complete freedom, we limit their freedom.
Limits to Freedom
Offering freedom within limits strikes a comfortable balance between an overly structured and a chaotic environment. What does it mean to be free within limits? It entails establishing clear expectations and ground rules ahead of time, and then following through on them. It entails developing and adhering to (flexible) routines. It refers to the secure, loving, and trusting relationship that exists between a child and an adult. It also entails giving children age-appropriate options and opportunities for self-mastery and independence.
In your Montessori home, your toddler has the following options:
- His/her shelf contains a limited number of carefully chosen toys and materials.
- A low cabinet (or, more recently, a fridge!) with two snack options
- A dinner plate with a variety of foods but no after-dinner options
- There are two pairs of shoes or coats to choose from.
- Options for selecting a sequence of events rather than the event itself (e.g. brush teeth or bath time first, but both are happening either way)
- It is possible to clean up a mess either independently or collaboratively.
Allowing children to work in the kitchen, use real dishes, play with sensory materials, and have access to water is an example of freedom within limits. We get a lot of questions like, “Aren’t your floors all wet?” “How do they keep their plates from falling off the table?” “How do I get my child to stop throwing away all of their toys?” The short answer is that there is freedom within limits.
House Rules / Expectations
Setting very clear expectations ahead of time is the first step toward freedom within limits. There are some “house rules” that you should discuss frequently in your home. This is something to consider ahead of time and discuss with your partner. What are the boundaries we want to establish, and what can we simply let go of? You must prioritize your own and the environment’s safety. Try to use positive language and focus on what you can do rather than what you can’t. As an example:
- Water remains in the sink or cup. If something spills, we clean it up. We can make a splash in the bathtub or on the water table.
- Couches and chairs are used to sit on.
- When we eat, we leave our plates on the table. When we’re finished, we can take our plate to the compost or the counter.
- Materials and books are handled with care and returned to their proper places. We can throw bean bags or balls if we want to.
- We are considerate of one another. We have gentle pats and hugs to offer.
Keeping Unwanted Behavior at Bay
The second step in achieving freedom within constraints is prevention. It is much easier to prevent a behavior from occurring in the first place than it is to deal with it later. This frequently entails remaining close. You give your children freedom and access throughout the house because you have created a safe environment and are present to supervise.
Follow-Through and Consistency
The third step in achieving freedom within limits is to be consistent in your actions and to offer natural consequences. When a house rule is broken, you should usually give one “try again” opportunity before imposing a natural consequence. For example, if your child spills water on the floor, remind her that it should be poured into the sink. If it happens a second time, she will be done with the sink and will turn off the water for the time being. If she pushes her brother, check on him first and then invite her to do the same. Reminding her of how gentle they can be with each other. If she continues to push or attempt to push, make a separation and assist her body in moving away from him or picking him up.
Use the phrase “I can’t let you .” I have a responsibility to keep you safe. Instead, we can .” “I see you want to jump on the couch,” for example, I’m not going to let you jump there. I must keep you safe. Instead, let us take a step on your stepping stones.” If she does not respond or change her behavior, you must physically assist her. Recognize her frustration and desire, but refuse to budge on the house rules. We don’t have many rules to begin with, but the ones we do have are for our safety and sanity, and we follow them.
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