How to Assist Your Child in Managing Their Emotions

Children are born with the hardware to experience a wide range of emotions, but they are not born with the tools to name, interpret, and manage those emotions. That is where parents, as the child’s first teacher, come in. Every day and night, we have numerous opportunities to be with our children as they experience a wide range of emotions, and how we interact with them in these moments can have a significant impact.

Depending on how a parent reacts, you may be teaching your child that feelings aren’t acceptable (e.g., “boys don’t cry”) or that happiness is the only acceptable emotion (e.g., “Come on, where’s my smiley girl?”). Don’t be depressed.”)Instead, here are three key ways to help your child navigate emotions with the understanding that all feelings are acceptable and can be managed effectively.

Discuss Emotion

Whenever possible, name the emotion you believe your child is feeling. Of course, we don’t always know what another person is feeling, but we can make an educated guess. When you see a child stomping and crying after having a toy taken by another child, you could say, “Oh boy, you look so frustrated that Eli took your toy,” or “You are angry that Jessica just grabbed that without asking for a turn.“

In these situations, it’s easy to focus solely on behavior and say things like, “Come on, we don’t just cry and stomp.” That is not acceptable conduct. This ignores the fact that the child is feeling something. According to John Gottman, author of “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,” it is critical to name the emotion and normalize the experience of that emotion.

“You’re crying because your brother took your toy away,” for example. You were saddened by that. That would make me sad as well.” You can assist your child in identifying a variety of emotions by using tools such as the poster to the left.

Demonstrate Emotional Intelligence

If we want children to learn to manage their emotions, we must first learn to manage our own emotions and deal with them authentically rather than denying them. If your child isn’t putting on their shoes when it’s time to leave the house, try saying, “Caleb, I’m really frustrated that you’re not putting on your shoes because I’m worried we’ll be late for school.”

Take a deep breath and help calm your emotions first, so you can talk about them logically with your child. You can also practice thinking aloud. If you go to a class with your child and discover that it has been canceled due to a note on the door, you could say, “Oh man, I’m so disappointed.” I was looking forward to taking this class with you. I’m going to take a few slow breaths because I’m feeling a little irritated.”

Whenever possible, link misbehavior to emotions.

When correcting a child’s misbehavior, try to first explore the emotion that likely prompted the behavior, such as “I think maybe you were sad that Angela had to go home.” When her mother told them they had to leave, you looked down and stormed away. I’m curious if it was because you were sad. You didn’t get to say your final goodbyes to your friend. Is that what you were up to when you stormed away?” (It could be something else, and this question allows your child to tell you what is bothering her.) “What do you think you could do differently the next time you’re sad because a friend is leaving?”

Beginning the work of teaching emotional intelligence may take some practice. If it is accepting negative emotions and is a challenge in your own life. The advantage, on the other hand, is enormous. It is also critical to pay attention to your child and the developmental needs that his or her behavior may be expressing.

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